So you’re a jerk. But I love you. N x She’d written the lyrics to ‘Don’t Look Back Into The Sun’ at the bottom of the note and scribed ‘It reminded me of you’ at the bottom. At his funeral the following week, she’d placed the letter on his casket, next to a flower arrangement that spelt out his name. She watched it disappear with his body, to be cremated alongside him. She hadn’t cried for him since that day and she didn’t play his song for months. Now and again though, even now, he’d find her listening to it, a sad smile on her face as she lost herself in some memory and he knew that she was remembering him. And it killed him all over again. ‘I’m so sorry Nat,’ he whispered, sliding through the seat to get closer to her. It wasn’t the first time he’d apologised. He’d lost count of how many times he’d said sorry, but it didn’t change anything. He’d still hurt her, still been too stupid and immature to suck up his insecurities and just tell her he loved her. Now she’d never know how. As Jodi rolled over, sat up and pulled the blankets up to cover her naked form, I handed her the phone and sat quietly near her on the bed. I watched as she looked at the phone, and was shocked as she put it down. She looked at me and asked a question that completely threw me off my base. “Is that what you want?”I didn't know how to respond. I didn't even understand the question. She repeated it. There was no anger in her voice, no hurt in her eyes, just the question, “Is that what you want?”“I don't know.” I answered her. “I lost track of what I want a long time ago and lost track of who I am today. I did things today that I never would have thought myself capable of doing. I have never felt rage like that, and I certainly have never wanted to hurt you or take advantage of you like that. When the shit hit the fan though, I did. I did those things knowing what I was doing, knowing what the consequences would be and I still did them. Now I am left wondering who I am and I am afraid of.
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